It’s been six days after the “cool frying pan” incident triggering my wife’s irrational jealousy. And everything went back to normal. Even better. She managed to cook two meals despite of her busy schedule. We usually order our food to be delivered or we go out.
That next morning of that “cool frying pan” incident was total silence (Sunday). It was the longest “no-talking with each other” moment. I remembered sleeping trying to hug her but she shrugged me off. So I did not bother trying again.
Until that Sunday night we finally had our talk. It was a roller coaster talk. Her screaming, me using logical arguments etc. I had a lot of “learnings” that day and I want to share them with you. Applying what I’ve learned from “Your Marriage Savior” of Michael Cross and Biblical teachings…. here they are..
REACH OUT – DON’T BEG
It’s the heat of the battle. A battle of emotions. Especially emotions inside her. I can’t reason out with her if she has all those emotions unless she let them out. She has fears but she also has anger. Remember anger is just a second emotion. It all boils down to PAIN. She fears pain… of losing me and being cheated.
I know that she wants me to cure her pain but at the same time she wants to punish me of something that I did not commit.
Knowing this, I reached out to her after long hours of silence on that “cool frying pan” incident. She was lying on the bed, half asleep and I lay down I tried to hug her. And it was then she shrugged me off.
Most husband will try the second time, the third and the nth time to make mend to their wives. Your jealous spouse also expects you to try it over and over again, i.e. chase them. But I did not, I know this destructive cycle. And the only way to save our relationship is by remaining DOMINANT and CARING. I reached out, but if you don’t want it, you wont get it no more. I put value on myself. I expect anyone that I interact with treats my attention as valuable…. especially my wife!
The problem of pushing yourself to someone who still has those chaotic emotions is that they will push you away and you will be left chasing them. It defeats the purpose. They want to be chased. It’s a drug for them, that they are addicted to and eventually kills the relationship.
So if the way they can get that drug is by being irrationally jealous, they will REPEAT that same negative behavior over and over again…. just to get that attention of yours. But in the end, it will leave you dry and exhausted. Worst ending is that they will treat you like dirt because they will realize that you don’t put VALUE on your self. Because you let someone treat you like that.
If you know that your attention is “valuable”, you won’t just give it to anyone… especially those who “acts” as if they don’t want it.
BE CARING EVEN WHEN ANGRY
I know that I’m right. It’s not a matter of self righteousness but it’s a fact. She has trust issues and her jealousy is irrational.
The reason why I tried to hug her is because I love her. She feels pain even if the cause of that pain is ridiculously imaginary. Knowing that the wife should be treated as the weaker vessel, I must protect her and be his rock.
So even if I was angry at her irrational jealousy, as a dominant husband I should be strong and be man enough to show that I care. Below picture is something that she sent me after an argument we had years ago. I still treasure this and apply it.
But that night she shrugged me off. If I continue to pursue her after I initiated a peace treaty, after showing that I care… this cycle of bad behavior will NEVER end. Why? Because it is just REWARDING bad behavior. Something that YOU don’t want to do either.
After I initiated a peace treaty or a moment of cease fire (even on a war that I didn’t started) and she shrugged me off and if I continue to pursue her and shower her with love and affection just to get this over with, it is like saying…. in order for me to shower you with love and affection, you need to be irrational and get jealous!
DON’T REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR
After that, it was all silence until the next day. It was a Sunday. It was dinner time when I opened a can of tuna and made some tuna sandwich. I know she is hungry and finally I spoke with her “there’s tuna sandwich in the kitchen”. She did not responded. I did not repeat myself.
This is punishing bad behavior by NOT giving her attention… but still caring.
She felt this and she finally initiated the cease fire negotiations. It was another heated argument. I won’t be detailing everything but at the back of my mind, she was “reaching”… even if she was screaming.
Now’s the time to be the rock for her. I remained adamant that I did not do anything wrong. I let her release her anger, her jealousy, her fears, all of her negative emotions. She was screaming.
I know that her screaming is her way of letting the pressure out. She needed it. I remain distant (punishing her bad behavior). Until she had all the pressure out, I started “giving my hand”. I sat beside her. She talked, I talked.
I finally had her realize that the source of her irrational jealousy is not being satisfied to the level of love and attention I am giving her. Despite of that fact that we were going out on road trips, vacations, Church activities, dining out etc… she said that these were not enough. I said, they will NEVER be enough if she won’t get rid of her imaginary story of me “going” to cheat on her! No matter how much love and attention I will give, it will NEVER be enough if there is a big hole in her that’s eating her up.
Things finally simmered down. Until I felt that I can now apply some humor and cuddling to neutralize the remaining negative feelings in the air (something that Michael Cross of Your Marriage Savior is teaching)
THE AGREEMENT – NO MORE ACCUSATIONS
Until we had an agreement. I recorded it through my smartphone. Note that below discussion was made in a humorous vibe but still remaining dominant. It’s acting out a “role-play” of a debate we both know and find funny. So she was in to it. If you can act out a “role play” you both know, make it funny and apply it to neutralize an argument. A script in a movie for example… you get the idea.
Alright, that’s how releasing the pressure ended. Please feel free to leave your questions / suggestions on the comment box below. ‘Till my next post.